I am a girl in striped pyjamas living within an electric-wired compound not allowed to do things as I please. My companions are the in-mates who feel the same as I do. Luckily I have a FRIEND who discovered me while exploring and never fails to keep visiting me each day, always on the OTHER side of the electric-wired fence. This friend, (I haven't decide if it is going to be a boy or a girl) wishes that he/she is on MY side of the fence and I otherwise. The irony? I CHOOSE to be here, in this compound. I may choose to break free whenever I wish to, but i don't know how anymore. I forget the way to do it and the same goes to the other in-mates. And I pray that this friend who discovered me will help me find the way OUT.
 

And i thought that having no more lectures and tutorials are going to make things much easier. Now that school's technically over, I'm in my graduating mood means NOT my study mode. Thanks Fazzy and Chim for accompanying me today (my study skills suck). There was this Indian Muslim man who came over to me and talked about modesty (display of butt-cracks and cleavages) apparently a lot of girls are doing it in the library, some delibarately. I think he was overwhelmed and seeing that I am a Muslim, he came and talked to me about it. Actually, it was more of educating me (ceramah). In hushed tone. So random. And creepy. I can't wait for gOod times to come so that I can ROCK AND ROLLA (:

I wonder how Zara is doing right now. Maybe I shall give her a call later today. I keep on thinking that maybe I should have taken Aloy's offer when he asked me along to her new place. But no regrets, I will get there soon enough. Maybe we can cook up a plan on new year's.

Talking about the new year, I'm anxious instead of excited. I've always hate surprises especially when thinking about unexpected events because that's when my mind will race and process thoughts at massive speed. Oh well, I just have to deal with it and try to master the art of life; most unpredictable of them all.

I have been flipping through magazines (with Fizah at Bt. Batok of all places, anw, it was a sadly pathetically funny day spent together) and most of them include articles about "doing your own thing" and "find it, and do what you love". An article states that women often feel guity to make time for themselves. Women want to do everything for everyone, they feel obliged to help when asked i.e. work even when they're home at that time. Older women (aged 35 and above?) are telling their stories that in their 20s, they can't slow down, they want to do everything for everyone, to always want to be there, available whenever needed. And all of them said that it has all changed. They give themselve time as they grow older, mainly to think. And NOT giving yourself time to think is one of the worst mistake because then you're lost. I guess by lost they mean you can't find meaning to what you have been doing? I don't know.

So let's take a break fellow women, and take some time to think. Cut yourself some slack and maybe (just maybe) things will turn a complete 360 degree and you find yourself looking at yourself and the world in a completely different view. A whole new... world?

It has been an interesting mixture of events happening during this short 2 weeks of term break, and i still have a week to go. As usual, i'm packed with plans towards the end of the break. It has been productive so far, I made sure of that. Meeting friends, soul-searching and doing self-reflection (I'm forever doing that), misunderstandings, lesson learnt, passing FTT and friends(:  I want to read TWILIGHT! Mary forgot to pass it to me on Friday when we went cycling. I want to thank Mary, Faz, Zara and Fizah for making my days better than the days before and listening to me when I need someone to talk (whine) to.

And for me to let better things happen to me, first I'll have to let go of some things that I already have.

 get the fuck out of my life.

Early breakfast today with lovely Mary at Macs. It was so lovely I was so grateful I was alive, it was that pleasant. Anyway, we talked about everything and decided to make a bucket list. It is a list of things we want to do together; new, exciting things. We have 6 so far. Afterwards, Cold Storage! She accompanied me shopping for tomorrow's picnic and gave me pointers on preparing for it.  I just love looking at the things there and Mary made me notice things I overlooked. It was the best market shopping by far.

FTT today at 4.30pm and I want to be confident (not like BTT) when answering. The online practice tests help alot and pointers from Mary and my brothers (Umair??).

My planner is full with fun activities that makes me wonder why I can't be this happy before. I just need to pick up the phone, make plans and make it happen(: I hope to keep this up, InsyaAllah.

Everyday, open your eyes and heart to a new way of looking at yourself and the world. Be grateful to even be awake healthy that morning, pray for understanding and open your heart to grace. As the day goes by, make efforts to make yourself have a good day. It's okay to be by yourself, because ultimately, you've got only you. So why not depend on yourself to make yourself happy? Be dependent- on yourself.

As long as we look for solutions in the outer world to calm our fears and anxieties, or to allevate our loneliness, we'll always be disappointed. Instead, we need to go deeper. We must embrace freedom from suffering and true happiness are found in the connection we share with a power greater than us all. 

What's wrong with being lonely? (refer to Monkey Mind) THAT is why. The solution. (refer to the title of this post)




I'm Strong. I'm Supergirl. Don't mess with me (:

The thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl. From the distance past to the unknowable future, my mind swings wildly through time, touching on dozens of ideas a minute, unharnessed and undisciplined. This in itself is not neccessarily a problem; the problem is the emotional attachment that goes along with the thinking. Happy thoughts make me happy, but- how quickly I swing again into obsessive worry, blowing the mood; and then it's the remembrance of an angry moment and I start to get hot and pissed off all over again; and then my mind decides it might be a good time to start feeling sorry for itself, and the loneliness follows promptly. You are, afterall, what you think. Your emotions are slaves to your thoughts, and you are slave to your emotions.The other problem with all this swinging through the vines thought is that you are never where you are. You are always digging in the past or poking at the future, but rarely do you rest in this moment.

Next time you see a beautiful place, stop yourself from saying(or thinking) that you're going to come back someday. Instead, convince yourself that you are already there. Try to actually be in the present.

Please just let the good things pass by me. But don't let it walk away too fast so it gives me time to notice that it's there and GRAB IT.

We are never and will never be good enough for as long as we let our ego stay strong inside and keep on protesting with you whenever your mind is trying very hard to think and tell you that you are a GREAT PERSON. Because that's who you are. YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON. Your ego is just so persistent at being in control. For once, you'll have to show it who's boss and shut them up and only speak when spoken to. This ego is an irritating.. character? It is just so judgmental of you and only emphasize on your bad qualities. It diminishes your GREAT qualities. In turn, it's making it's habits yours. YOU are becoming judgemental and critical towards others around you. At the end result, you are unhappy with yourself and people around you. And they're uncomfortable being around you.

It has always been about Love and Control. We can never deny that. Even in wars, there are love stories(and wars are about control in the first place). So why not start controlling your ego. And give yourself a chance to at least think that you're a GREAT PERSON. And then you can actually be one.

Time is a waste of life. Life is a waste of time. So lets not waste then both and HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!

Dear God, I could use a little break from this cycle, to give myself some space to discover what I look like and talk like when I'm not trying to merge with someone.

Things have been difficult at home. Oh actually it's everywhere. Cos there's people everywhere. I'm tired of having to deal with people and their controlling selves and persistent demands. I just want to find a place of my own and only visit home when I have to. Like Hari Raya. If not, you'll not see my face. I'm better off.